Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Do you know your own soul?

Written sometime in 2011 about a year after a treasured friendship was lost...

I just dug up my old journals and the person I am today is not the same person who wrote this in 2011. However, I understand the usefulness of this writing. It illustrates how much we can grow and change if we care to look and try...

 "Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside wakes" 
Carl Jung

2011 Journal

I was ruminating about how I could have been so misunderstood by the one person who was supposed to be the closest one to me. She was supposed to see the good in me. The easy answer is that she never really saw me at all. Now that I have taken the time to get to know myself I finally realize she wasn't the only person who didn't see me, in fact, I was barely able to see myself. I gave her a doctored version of myself, the one I gave everyone in order to feel accepted.

There was a real and true light inside me, and I failed to project it to the world. I hid inside, where I repeated the thoughts that no-one else heard. I let other people's energy come in, and take over who I was, I didn't want to be the other people but I was too afraid to be myself.

I have since come to know myself, that who I am is someone pure, and true. I will no longer hurt myself by trying to prove my worth. What she believes is her reality, and I'm on the outside of that. I am in my own reality now and I can see that it is full of light and love. No one needs to know but me, and the spirit all around me.

Monday, November 2, 2015

NaNoWriMo Excerpt from Born in May

Sometimes, if you get too close to someone, if you try too hard to feel them, to know their soul…they can shed a part of themselves unto you, so that their experiences somehow become mixed with yours. Swiftly, now, you're left with this new part that was never supposed to be there. 

It covers you, and you suffocate in it, it’s not compatible with you—this foreign body—and you start to fray. And when this fraying begins, you fall to pieces, and you lose the parts of you that sing. 

Your soul needs them, those fragments that have always raised you up, but they have become dust to the wind. 


Now, there is only fear—the same fear their fathers gave to them, and you spend all of your time now trying to survive it. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Finding the strength to tell my story

I am writing my story. Why am I doing it? I simply need to work through a childhood I don't always understand, I'm not always okay with, yet still I'm frequently uplifted by. I have a need to be heard, so I speak, and write. If no one is listening, reading, understanding or caring, at least I'm sending it out. Each time I give some thought or feeling or painful memory a home–a space to go that is outside of me– I can breathe a little easier. 

The story of my life may get jumbled or mis-remembered, but it's the emotional memory that guides me and binds me to the multi-dimensional fragments of life and truth. It all may seem confusing and overwhelming and sticky, but I know that if I keep at it, in time I will transcend this massive task. 

I read a lot of memoir, I actively seek out other life stories on a regular basis in order to give myself the strength I need to continue. This is one such story that moved me, this TED Talk from 2012. 

Lemn Sissay is a notable poet in the UK. His story is shocking and humbling to the (surely past) foster care system of the 60's. Lemn is prolific, and inspiring. 

Much can be taken away from this talk depending on who you are–it could be totally different from the person standing next to you. So much of what Lemn spoke about moved me, though I have not been an orphan, a foster child, a ward of the state, or a minority. Some interested in policy and advocacy may look to this account as a means to change. For me, what he's done here, is give me strength.

What right does anyone have to tell their story? I would argue, they are made of their story and so it is theirs to tell, as they have experienced it. It's important to note that sharing our life experience should never be to lay blame, but to unite us, one to another. Saying this is what I saw, what I did, what was done to me, what I felt, how I survived, who I am. 

As for Lemn, he is resilience personified. 

Aside from the great empathy and love I hold for this man, I feel unlimited respect for what he's been through and how he's come through it so eloquently. 
Sparked with Lemn Sissay
Photo by Emma Crouch, Flickr


I connected with these words; 

"I'm reporting back. I'm reporting back simply to say that when I left the children's home I had two things that I wanted to do. One was to find my family, and the other was to write poetry. In creativity I saw light.In the imagination I saw the endless possibility of life, the endless truth, the permanent creation of reality, the place where anger was an expression in the search for love, a place where dysfunction is a true reaction to untruth."

Lemn's talk, to me, illustrates the universal healing power of story, of gleaning forward motion from understanding the past in order to infuse it into strength to go on–no matter what happens.

I too, am reporting back. 

Friday, July 18, 2014

Using Imagery to Create Positive Change

I've mentioned previously how imagery is important for implementing positive change. For some, visualization may be perceived as difficult to achieve, especially if they believe themselves to be left–brained. However, brain lateralization has been proven a myth in the scientific community. People use both hemispheres of the brain, no matter the task. More on that

I have read, however, that the more vivid the image in the mind's eye, the more easily the desired result will unfold–and you don't need to be a visual person to make a change. People without any damage to their brain can visualize. You can start small at visualizing your goals. If you're interested in strengthening your brain, I use There are a few others as well, Cognifit, Fit brains, that do the same thing.

Back to imagery–the way it works is that visual images create an emotional response in us. Images elicit either positivity or negativity and those images can lead to negative concepts of ourselves, other people and scenarios, or positive ones. 

All things are comprised of energy, and they have the ability to make us or break us. Imagery and thought have the power to create action or inaction. 

In "Discovering Your Soul Signature: A 33-Day Path to Purpose Passion & Joy" by Panache DesaiDesai uses imagery to show how we can release fears.

In the chapter aptly named 'Fear', Desai gently urges the reader to tend to the garden of our unconscious mind. Metaphorically, he relates weeds to fears–fear of success, fear of failure, of being alone, and so on. 

The weeds are our 'vibrational density' such that they create a weight upon our souls. Desai urges us to figuratively pull them out. He assures the reader that only the energy of fear is pulled out, and suddenly we're left with space. Before, the fear took up so much space there wasn't any room for success. Afterward we're free to create, grow and fill that space with what we really want in our lives. 

It was uncanny, and largely synchronistic, that I ended up finding a real live giant, possibly man-eating weed in my yard. A thistle was hiding out in a small space at the side of my house. I noticed it earlier in the spring, but with all the chores and activities (not to mention laziness) and the fact that it looked really prickly and a big hassle, I promised myself I would get to it later. 

Before I knew it, the thistle had grown into an even more monstrous creature that multiplied! The job of removing them had grown much larger than when I first noticed that first inconsequential weed.

Of course, I was reminded of Desai and his book and instructions, which I understood immediately–it wasn't really necessary for me to have an analogue of the metaphor right in my backyard. Still, there it was.

The prickly base brought to mind Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. The thistle was his favorite food and I wonder what his tongue was made of. Alas, but I had no Eeyore, no one to remove these mutants but me. 

The work needed to be done, and it turned out to be highly cathartic. I recently had some people creating (or attempting to create) havoc in my life. I used the pent up frustration associated with that situation to remove the giant usurper of space. 

The task itself was very time-consuming, so I had a lot of time to think about imagery, Desai's words, and the subconscious mind. As you can see from the first image above, sometimes weeds can look pleasant. Thistles can almost trick you into thinking they may be a flower. The occupied space can fool you into inertia, a place where familiarity rules the day. It doesn't matter whether it's right for you or not, if it will take you far or leave your wheels spinning. 


Sometimes we get attached to the familiar and become afraid of the unknown, even when it could be the pathway to our dreams. We are mislead into believing this is how our life is meant to be. 

Most often, and the same as in the case of multiplying weeds, we may not realize this self-defeat is going on in our minds. The negative thoughts may occur so regularly and naturally, that they flash by, without conscious notice from us, or they may have piled up around the corner. 

The visible parts of my backyard are kept reasonably manicured (most of the time). The area of the yard that is used most often by my family and visible to anyone who may stop by–to the outside world–is kept well... 

Just as we keep those common areas well tended, so do we need to care for the areas less seen. In fact, those parts have even greater importance. It's possible that we hide and disregard our inner selves so much, that we forget that like our outer appearance and basic needs, our inner lives are just as important to tend to. If our mental health falls into disrepair we become discontent, possibly even depressed, and then we are shocked to be faced with a mutant weed.

However when you clean this space out, it's amazing what you can accomplish. And you'll keep going. The energy in your life will be renewed, you'll be free to change your life, or keep the momentum going toward your dreams. 

You'll be unstuck.

Read more on imagery in this 7 tips for creating positive mental imagery  from Psychology Today, and Using Mental Imagery to Create Goals from Clear Mind Meditation Techniques.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Miss Indiana is Not Normal. You Are. | Moms |

My fellow Greeley Moms writers and I have set out to show what our version of "normal" is. 

I'm sure you have all read or heard about the reaction in the twitterverse regarding Miss Indiana's body shape. She may vary slightly from the other contestants, however, I think it is a stretch (pardon the pun) to compare her to the greater population at large. 

Here are a few of our midsections, and you can decide for yourself.

Miss Indiana is Not Normal. You Are. | Moms |

Monday, May 19, 2014

Are You Ready to Bloom or Set Your Wings To Flight?

"If people did not love one another, I really don't see what use there would be of having any spring." ~ Victor Hugo, Les Miserables 

It's all birds and blooms to me right now, it's all I see, so it might be all you read from me. Here's why;

My favorite season is SPRING, and it's really all the living that draws me in. That which has been lying under a stagnant undergrowth of dingy darkness answers the siren call of sunlight, swiftly responding to it's beckoning. Lush chlorophyll soaked greenery snakes upward through stringy mulch to seek new life. Then blooms.

If you look at nature, including human beings, everything grows. I can't keep up with my hair growing, or the weeds in the backyard. Tiny, hairless chicks accept worm after worm from their mothers and grow in the time it takes me to realize they've been living up in the eaves all along. Then they're gone. They soar through the air testing the aerodynamic capabilities of their wings along with the laws of the sky.

So what of your soul? Is it growing? Are you bound by your own inertia? 

The thing about life is that some aspects of it fool us with their safety. For instance, the aforementioned bird having just popped out of toasty egg and fed worms enough to support it's strength for take-off might decide that the air was a danger to him. Or that little bird may prefer the cozy threads lovingly provided by mama bird to lay upon. 

So it stays the same, that neonate – in it's nest – snugged up cozy, but paralyzed in a way. Stunted. 

What might that little guy have felt upon swooping down through the rippling air, just as ribbon dances upon it? That darling bird was capable of easily doing what humans dream of doing. Only the humans wake up with a smile on their face until they realize they have arms that may flap, but keep them solidly on the ground, a slave to gravity. They lack the loftiness of birds. 

So dear friends, are you allowing yourself to grow? 

There is a sort of invigoration that sets in after engaging in something new, as spring tends to enliven the soul. I'm not talking about the thrill of buying something new, as that always results in a very short spike of adrenaline and excitement. Then it wanes, rapidly, as does the limited glow of artificial sunlight. 

Dare to transform and you will grow. Sometimes you need to cut back in order to mature.

What can you cut back from your life to allow for new growth? 

A few years ago, I decided to eliminate GOSSIP from my life. I participated when in certain circles to feel part of a group. Such a horrid pastime. Never kind this cutting people down for sport, and usually sprouts out of jealousy. 

Another thing I have focused on eliminating are DAMAGING THOUGHTS. They are often comprised of aspects of yourself that you feel bad about. Negativity that originated from the outside world that has a detrimental effect on your thinking voice, encapsulating you in total darkness when the light is essential for you to grow. Imagine that a new gardener has come along, knocking down the wall and allowing you to bask completely in the sun–where you were meant to be all along. Now you rest only at night so you can dream about the heights accessible to you. 

Are you CUTTING SOMEONE DOWN when they are newly growing? That person isn't meant to be
pruned, as they are just finding their pace of growth. Realize that you have insecurities that you need to deal with. Don't be responsible for killing some one's dream of noble heights.

Are you TALKING YOURSELF UP amongst your friends and family, your co-workers? Do you only see your own ability to grow and discount their contributions? You need a huge gut-check. The landscape is more lush and beautiful with many colors, textures, and methods of growing. And
CONDESCENSION is like placing weed killer on the most gorgeous blooms, they choke them out.

Your dreams will be tended to when you see and appreciate others around you that have supported you and also contributed to your growth, those who have watered you to your current height. See them for who they are and what they bring to your life. They, as you, may be newer to growing, but have the same ability to reach the sky.

Now you are ready, little one, sweet child of the wind. And off you go! Bloom and allow others to bloom, as well.

Imagery and metaphor are great tools of psychologists and life coaches. They allow you to manifest all manner of dreams. If you can imagine yourself as a new plant in Spring, ready to sprout up toward the sky, you will find that you can do anything. It really works. Try it. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Proud of My Spoils – Pikes Peak Writers Conference

 My friend, Kate posted a book she bought from PPWC and had signed, so I wanted to share mine as well. 

Impressed with his "Getting through Draft 1" workshop, and suddenly smitten with goblins? Thought I better check out Jim's books. Hugo award winner, you know!

I told him fairytales suck, so he wrote that inside.

Jim's keynote speech was centered around the lack of diversification in publishing and storytelling today. I loved it. It struck a chord with me and I'm looking forward to reading his book.

Chuck Wendig was the person to say what I needed to hear – basically what wasn't working in my writing. And now I am knee deep in curse words (and I really don't mind).