Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Do you know your own soul?

Written sometime in 2011 about a year after a treasured friendship was lost...

I just dug up my old journals and the person I am today is not the same person who wrote this in 2011. However, I understand the usefulness of this writing. It illustrates how much we can grow and change if we care to look and try...

 "Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside wakes" 
Carl Jung

2011 Journal

I was ruminating about how I could have been so misunderstood by the one person who was supposed to be the closest one to me. She was supposed to see the good in me. The easy answer is that she never really saw me at all. Now that I have taken the time to get to know myself I finally realize she wasn't the only person who didn't see me, in fact, I was barely able to see myself. I gave her a doctored version of myself, the one I gave everyone in order to feel accepted.

There was a real and true light inside me, and I failed to project it to the world. I hid inside, where I repeated the thoughts that no-one else heard. I let other people's energy come in, and take over who I was, I didn't want to be the other people but I was too afraid to be myself.

I have since come to know myself, that who I am is someone pure, and true. I will no longer hurt myself by trying to prove my worth. What she believes is her reality, and I'm on the outside of that. I am in my own reality now and I can see that it is full of light and love. No one needs to know but me, and the spirit all around me.

Monday, November 2, 2015

NaNoWriMo Excerpt from Born in May

Sometimes, if you get too close to someone, if you try too hard to feel them, to know their soul…they can shed a part of themselves unto you, so that their experiences somehow become mixed with yours. Swiftly, now, you're left with this new part that was never supposed to be there. 

It covers you, and you suffocate in it, it’s not compatible with you—this foreign body—and you start to fray. And when this fraying begins, you fall to pieces, and you lose the parts of you that sing. 

Your soul needs them, those fragments that have always raised you up, but they have become dust to the wind. 


Now, there is only fear—the same fear their fathers gave to them, and you spend all of your time now trying to survive it. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Finding the strength to tell my story

I am writing my story. Why am I doing it? I simply need to work through a childhood I don't always understand, I'm not always okay with, yet still I'm frequently uplifted by. I have a need to be heard, so I speak, and write. If no one is listening, reading, understanding or caring, at least I'm sending it out. Each time I give some thought or feeling or painful memory a home–a space to go that is outside of me– I can breathe a little easier. 

The story of my life may get jumbled or mis-remembered, but it's the emotional memory that guides me and binds me to the multi-dimensional fragments of life and truth. It all may seem confusing and overwhelming and sticky, but I know that if I keep at it, in time I will transcend this massive task. 

I read a lot of memoir, I actively seek out other life stories on a regular basis in order to give myself the strength I need to continue. This is one such story that moved me, this TED Talk from 2012. 

Lemn Sissay is a notable poet in the UK. His story is shocking and humbling to the (surely past) foster care system of the 60's. Lemn is prolific, and inspiring. 

Much can be taken away from this talk depending on who you are–it could be totally different from the person standing next to you. So much of what Lemn spoke about moved me, though I have not been an orphan, a foster child, a ward of the state, or a minority. Some interested in policy and advocacy may look to this account as a means to change. For me, what he's done here, is give me strength.

What right does anyone have to tell their story? I would argue, they are made of their story and so it is theirs to tell, as they have experienced it. It's important to note that sharing our life experience should never be to lay blame, but to unite us, one to another. Saying this is what I saw, what I did, what was done to me, what I felt, how I survived, who I am. 

As for Lemn, he is resilience personified. 

Aside from the great empathy and love I hold for this man, I feel unlimited respect for what he's been through and how he's come through it so eloquently. 
Sparked with Lemn Sissay
Photo by Emma Crouch, Flickr


I connected the most with these words; 

"I'm reporting back. I'm reporting back simply to say that when I left the children's home I had two things that I wanted to do. One was to find my family, and the other was to write poetry. In creativity I saw light.In the imagination I saw the endless possibility of life, the endless truth, the permanent creation of reality, the place where anger was an expression in the search for love, a place where dysfunction is a true reaction to untruth."

Lemn's talk, to me, illustrates the universal healing power of story, of gleaning forward motion from understanding the past in order to infuse it into strength to go on–no matter what happens.

I too, am reporting back. 

Friday, September 4, 2015

10 reasons why our cat Skitty was the Cat's Ass

1. She traveled well.

2. She slept in inconvenient places.

3. It took time to grow into her feet.

4. Like a dog, she loved her belly rubs.

5. When she had that look, you knew to stay away. 

6. Cleanliness was important to her.

7. ... So was sleep. 

8. When she stared at you, it felt like forever, and it usually was.

9. She ate with her paws. She would scoop out the dry food, one piece at a time. When we switched her to wet food, STILL, she would scoop it out and put it on the floor and then eat it. When she was done, she made little Skitty prints, until she got to the carpeted stairs. Then, and only then, would she clean. 

10. There was no cat like her, she lived to 15, and she was OUR kitty. XO Skitty in the sky.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

It's High Time for an Author Blog Tour

Memoirist, Lori Johnstone
It's true– I'm a blogger! I highly enjoy writing for the GreeleyMoms, part of the Greeley Tribune. I also add to Live N Write (where you currently roam) as much as I can, yet I'm not quite an author... 

I have plans to change that once I get my writer's legs under me. In terms of development, I would place myself at toddler level–my will is strong, yet there is a gap between intention and execution.  

So before I fill you in on what I've been working on and how I'm strengthening my writerly muscles, let me introduce you to an exceptional human being with talent AND integrity, who was the previous link in the author blog tour chain.

A co-blogger at the Tribune, and creator of the Sean Coleman mystery series, John Daly has been kind enough to pass the torch my way in this blog tour. "From a Dead Sleep", his first novel, has often been described as an engaging mystery with well developed characters. One reviewer has even related it to a cross between the hit television series, "The Sopranos" and an old black and white detective movie, adding that it had much better dialogue. He also writes political commentary for

Author, John A. Daly

You can visit John's site and click on the blog link to learn about what the future holds for John's readers and more about his writing life. 

As for me, a little history for you; 

The notion to begin writing started when I suddenly had time to savor a few thoughts. My children were finally school age and I began to write the story that had been forming in my mind as I did menial tasks around the house. This book was a paranormal fiction about a neuroscientist who stumbles upon a part of the brain that would change humanity's understanding of the afterlife. I joked that this was a way to use that psychology degree of mine, the one lying dormant so I could focus on my family. 

Entitled,"The Turquoise and Violet Sky," I set this one aside due to the necessity of tackling the processes of consciousness, known as one of the most difficult problems in science today. After becoming stuck over the mechanics of the story, not to mention the reality of my sloppy initial attempt, I decided to let it rest...but I've had a really hard time letting it go. 

"Shadow Fields" came along in my imaginative life when I realized I should be writing something else. After googling the name of the book, I realized there was another one out there with the same name. 

While this wasn't enough to deter me from the title or protagonist name, (the other character happened to be an investment banker, and mine a teenager with the ability to see demons as colored smoke) it was the words dished out at a critique panel–at my first writer's conference–that did this one in. From the first page of my work, the panel felt that Shadow was too 'high-minded' to be a teen. I had to agree. Also, my childhood pain began calling out to me in a very physical way, which leads me to my current project, and the tour questions. 

a) What are you working on now? 

I'm working on a memoir centering around resiliency, it's about survival, but it's also about how the many layers of living a life end up making us who we are. What one person labels naivety in another may be that individual's coping mechanism created to live another day. In the end, however, after all of the metaphorical blows, there has to be a sort of enlightenment with and accepting of the truth. Acknowledgement and monitoring yourself is the only way to keep abusive cycles from passing on to the next generation. I call this project, "Born in May". 

b) How does my work differ from others of its genre? 

I believe that every life is worthy of introspection to allow the chance to grow. Every life is a menagerie of pain and triumph, of players that are not always the bad guy. My book is hard to pin down to one specific theme, as it can easily be about mental health including ADD, Autism, Aspergers, Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, and childhood emotional neglect. It also hints of personality disorders converging–Narcissim, Borderline, and Sociopathy, and also some sad surprises, as if that isn't enough.

c) Why do I write what I do? 

I have always been the sort of person who believes in a higher power, but also a higher purpose. I have no idea why I chose to take Psychology in college, except that I found it interesting and it came easily to me. No one had much faith in me, including our school psychologist. Furthermore, it was beyond anyone to know what was going on under the surface of what this little girl was showing to the world. 

My husband asked me once, "What do you want to do when you start working?" I blurted without thinking, "to help people" and so I know the answer was made up of the same substance as my soul. It's as simple as that–to help people–with the added necessity of helping myself for the first time.

d) How does my writing process work? 

At this point, I haven't been able to adhere to a consistent writing time, but I like to write at 10am, and I like to read a bit on the art of writing first. Right now I'm reading, "Writing down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg, and since it's made up of short passages, I can read one everyday before I write and become inspired. 

I have also, as a memoirist, been inspired by Beth Kephart reading "Handling the Truth," and Marion Roach Smith, especially her book, "The Memoir Project." Both of these ladies have been teaching memoir for decades, and have a lengthy writing history.

Well that does it for me, sometime next week or earlier (depending on how keen she is) expect a post from this author; 
Gina Salamon, a fast friend in my short foray into critique groups, is a member of the Romance Writers of America. She also subscribes to International Thriller Writer, Inc. On the left is the cover for "Sleepless," the first installment in her cold case series. Besides this series, she is hard at work on a heartwarming Christmas story. You can check out her  blog while expecting her post in response to mine sometime next week. Thanks, Gina!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Using Imagery to Create Positive Change

I've mentioned previously how imagery is important for implementing positive change. For some, visualization may be perceived as difficult to achieve, especially if they believe themselves to be left–brained. However, brain lateralization has been proven a myth in the scientific community. People use both hemispheres of the brain, no matter the task. More on that

I have read, however, that the more vivid the image in the mind's eye, the more easily the desired result will unfold–and you don't need to be a visual person to make a change. People without any damage to their brain can visualize. You can start small at visualizing your goals. If you're interested in strengthening your brain, I use There are a few others as well, Cognifit, Fit brains, that do the same thing.

Back to imagery–the way it works is that visual images create an emotional response in us. Images elicit either positivity or negativity and those images can lead to negative concepts of ourselves, other people and scenarios, or positive ones. 

All things are comprised of energy, and they have the ability to make us or break us. Imagery and thought have the power to create action or inaction. 

In "Discovering Your Soul Signature: A 33-Day Path to Purpose Passion & Joy" by Panache DesaiDesai uses imagery to show how we can release fears.

In the chapter aptly named 'Fear', Desai gently urges the reader to tend to the garden of our unconscious mind. Metaphorically, he relates weeds to fears–fear of success, fear of failure, of being alone, and so on. 

The weeds are our 'vibrational density' such that they create a weight upon our souls. Desai urges us to figuratively pull them out. He assures the reader that only the energy of fear is pulled out, and suddenly we're left with space. Before, the fear took up so much space there wasn't any room for success. Afterward we're free to create, grow and fill that space with what we really want in our lives. 

It was uncanny, and largely synchronistic, that I ended up finding a real live giant, possibly man-eating weed in my yard. A thistle was hiding out in a small space at the side of my house. I noticed it earlier in the spring, but with all the chores and activities (not to mention laziness) and the fact that it looked really prickly and a big hassle, I promised myself I would get to it later. 

Before I knew it, the thistle had grown into an even more monstrous creature that multiplied! The job of removing them had grown much larger than when I first noticed that first inconsequential weed.

Of course, I was reminded of Desai and his book and instructions, which I understood immediately–it wasn't really necessary for me to have an analogue of the metaphor right in my backyard. Still, there it was.

The prickly base brought to mind Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. The thistle was his favorite food and I wonder what his tongue was made of. Alas, but I had no Eeyore, no one to remove these mutants but me. 

The work needed to be done, and it turned out to be highly cathartic. I recently had some people creating (or attempting to create) havoc in my life. I used the pent up frustration associated with that situation to remove the giant usurper of space. 

The task itself was very time-consuming, so I had a lot of time to think about imagery, Desai's words, and the subconscious mind. As you can see from the first image above, sometimes weeds can look pleasant. Thistles can almost trick you into thinking they may be a flower. The occupied space can fool you into inertia, a place where familiarity rules the day. It doesn't matter whether it's right for you or not, if it will take you far or leave your wheels spinning. 


Sometimes we get attached to the familiar and become afraid of the unknown, even when it could be the pathway to our dreams. We are mislead into believing this is how our life is meant to be. 

Most often, and the same as in the case of multiplying weeds, we may not realize this self-defeat is going on in our minds. The negative thoughts may occur so regularly and naturally, that they flash by, without conscious notice from us, or they may have piled up around the corner. 

The visible parts of my backyard are kept reasonably manicured (most of the time). The area of the yard that is used most often by my family and visible to anyone who may stop by–to the outside world–is kept well... 

Just as we keep those common areas well tended, so do we need to care for the areas less seen. In fact, those parts have even greater importance. It's possible that we hide and disregard our inner selves so much, that we forget that like our outer appearance and basic needs, our inner lives are just as important to tend to. If our mental health falls into disrepair we become discontent, possibly even depressed, and then we are shocked to be faced with a mutant weed.

However when you clean this space out, it's amazing what you can accomplish. And you'll keep going. The energy in your life will be renewed, you'll be free to change your life, or keep the momentum going toward your dreams. 

You'll be unstuck.

Read more on imagery in this 7 tips for creating positive mental imagery  from Psychology Today, and Using Mental Imagery to Create Goals from Clear Mind Meditation Techniques.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Miss Indiana is Not Normal. You Are. | Moms |

My fellow Greeley Moms writers and I have set out to show what our version of "normal" is. 

I'm sure you have all read or heard about the reaction in the twitterverse regarding Miss Indiana's body shape. She may vary slightly from the other contestants, however, I think it is a stretch (pardon the pun) to compare her to the greater population at large. 

Here are a few of our midsections, and you can decide for yourself.

Miss Indiana is Not Normal. You Are. | Moms |