Thursday, March 6, 2014

Signs You Have Not Published/Written a Novel

Photo Cred: Tambako the Jaguar :CC

No one needs to tell you that the world of writing is fraught with unknowns, filled to the ethers with wannabe authors ready to scrape down the fibers of their soul in order to get published or recognized in some way. 

We grasp and tug desperately for any gold-plated tidbit of advice successful authors might share with us. Furthermore, we shame those who dare advise us without reaching an invisible benchmark of fame and notoriety. That title being devised of some abstract number of publications - which of course vary greatly between individuals.

I am here to tell you that you should heed my advice.

I would like to introduce myself to you... I am Lori Johnstone, wife, mother, daughter, sister, unpublished author, writer. One who writes. I write words down. 

I'm not published. So I know exactly what to do/what not to do in order not to be published. Check out my CV...

Here it is. Look really closely. Yep, that's it. That blank speck here to the right. The part with nothing written on it. 

Seriously, I am the foremost authority on "not" getting published. 

Read on... for these are the signs you should heed, telling evidence of spinning your wheels in the writing sphere;

You might not be published if:

1) Nothing but organic food graces your children's lips and you spend an excessive amount of time assessing their sugar intake.  

2) It has never been necessary for anyone in your house to resort to wearing their underwear inside out. EVER. 

3) You are well read and may belong to more than one book club. It is even possible that you have set an outrageously high reading goal on, of which you fully intend to blow out of the water.

4) All of your pets are meticulously groomed and are full of love garnered from your unwavering attentiveness.

5) You have painstakingly vowed to understand one of the most controversial and mysterious principles in the world of physics to apply to your novel. 

6) Your entire community of family and friends are still speaking to you. 

7) Your social life abounds and you feel rewarded and blessed with friendships. 

8) One or more of your children are achieving at high levels in school and you volunteer on a regular basis.

9) Your clothes are pressed, you are beautific at all times in case you are challenged to a walk-off.

Gif Cred- James Fitzhenry; GIPHY
10) You are up to date on which country hates us the most and is ready to annihilate us at a second's notice. 

11) You are in wonderful physical shape and your one tummy roll hasn't taken to replicating like an unruly Gremlin. 

12) You have consulted with a guru and have been transforming your mental fitness to near Ghandi-like levels.

And the number one foolproof way to know if you have no published works to your name...

13) Your blog is up to date and successful.

No one can achieve perfect balance and adoration. Take a few of these and muss them up a bit. You can balance that. For instance, by not focusing on the laundry, maybe force your family to wear their underwear inside out for ONE day a week. 

It's all about making sacrifices. 

May the writing Gods be with you.

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